My Raging Battle for Acceptance

Food is definitely not the only thing that tempts me to destroy my well-being. I don’t even believe that it is the MOST or even WORST tempting craving. I never even really look to food for comfort…it’s usually boredom that makes me grab a box of Girl Scout cookies, a package of microwave popcorn, a bowl of chips, or anything else that is available.

I have done so much thinking and praying about what my battles are over the past year. My biggest battle is not feeling emotionally accepted and I’ve come to realize that I think it has always been my battle…since the youngest years I can remember. I remember wanting to fit in so badly in the small group of girls that comprised my elementary school grade. I never fit in…or at least not with the people I thought that I was supposed to fit in with. I was always just a little too nerdy, a little too over-protected, a little too naïve to be “cool” enough. High school was even worse because my family moved to a new state and I went from an all-girls school to a public high school that was 10x bigger than anything I’d ever experienced. The new school was huge and everyone had known each forever and I didn’t fit into any of the groups or the cliques. I learned quickly how to do just about anything (thankfully I was strong enough to stay away from drugs and promiscuity!) to fit in, join the crowd, and to “make” people like me.

After high school, I thought I could find acceptance with a guy. I went from one guy to the next, jumping in head over heels way too quickly. I thought that being physical with them would get them to “like” me more. I even married the first guy that I thought “liked” me enough after very little time and before knowing him or his family well enough to make a good decision. Unfortunately, I never found acceptance with him either. He started cheating on me with co-workers and other women only 9 months into our marriage. Then, I just thought if I was skinnier, sexier, more of a partier, more fun, less “wifely” maybe he’d accept me more. Of course, it didn’t work. He talked down to me constantly. He berated me, threatened me, and ridiculed me on a constant basis. He had me convinced that no one would ever want me besides him, that I could never make it or afford to live without him. He had me convinced of that for 10 VERY long years before one day I just couldn’t take it anymore and told him so.

Over the past several years, my biggest crutch or raging craving in my never-ending battle of looking for acceptance has played out on social media. Facebook was my best friend. I was THAT person who posted everything, anything, every picture, etc. I’d check it 100 times day to see who “liked” my pictures, “liked” my statuses, or commented on my life. I thought that the more comments and likes I had, the more that people would accept me. I was slowly driving myself into a very confusing battle that I was never going to win.

Through all of this, I knew who God was. But I didn’t know who God was to ME. I actually was raised in a very strict Catholic home but never ever heard that I could have a relationship with God. About two years ago, some very patient friends helped me figure out what it means to have a relationship with God. I am accepted. God only wants me.  This year, our pastor encouraged us to not make resolutions but instead  to think about the destination we want for our lives and the navigation we want to use to get us there.  I declared that I want my destination to be a bigger purpose. I can’t find God’s purpose for me unless I get rid of all of the road blocks and the detours that prevent me from hearing God’s plan for me.

My first step was to work on accepting that GOD ACCEPTS ME and that it doesn’t matter who else does. I don’t have to please anyone but God. And if I’m pleasing Him, then chances are that the people He puts in my path are going to be pleased with what I am doing also. So, I took Facebook out of my daily routine and off of my radar map. I deleted the app off of my phone so that I can’t check it constantly. I can only use to check on things occasionally from my home computer. I promised and journalled that I would make a better effort at making sure my account was not used as my contact for people and that I’d share with them in person. 

So far, it’s working. I keep finding new signs from friends (the people that God has place in my path to encourage me on my journey in my relationship with Him) that I am accepted by God, that He is happy with me, that He loves me. It’s a truly awesome feeling to discover this! I feel so much freer J

Psalm 36:7

Psalm 36:7 ~ How PRICELESS is your UNFAILING love, O God! People take REFUGE in the SHADOW of your wings.

Priceless ~ completely free, no expectations in return, no substitution, no comparison

Unfailing ~ will NEVER stop, perfection, never ending, nothing can take it away

Refuge ~ protects me from everything, perfect safety, shelter from danger and hardship, my source of relief

God’s love is #perfectlove for ME, Julianna, and it is completely free. He expects nothing in return except faith in Him and his promises. His UNFAILING love will never stop and nothing I do or don’t do can ever make Him stop loving me. When I feel danger or hardship in life’s struggles, then I will see refuge in the shadows of His wings.

Been There, Done That, Loved It!

1. Been There, Done That, Loved It! – Have you participated in one of our previous studies? If yes, which one? What did you learn or what was your favorite moment?

I was so blessed to be able to participate in the "What Happens When Women Say Yes To God" Bible Study last time around. That was my first EVER Bible Study of any kind and I was really really looking forward to it. I have felt part of my heart calling to me that I need to learn more about how to be a strong woman of God and I wasn't sure how to learn how to do that. I have wonderful friends who I've watched and listened to who are very confident in their relationship with God. But, I'm pretty new to recognizing that a relationship with God is more than just knowing He exists, going to church, and doing "Christian" things. 

I think my favorite moment was the first time I had an "ahha" moment. I really enjoyed reading the book and talking with a few friends about it who were also doing the study. But, I remember one part of the book talking about how hard it is to hear God. I had read the chapter the night before and was just thinking about it on the drive to work and listening to Air1 radio. And suddenly the station got all scratchy and it wouldn't come in and other radio stations were blending in. And I realized that is what it is like to hear God. You have to listen, listen hard, and pay attention to hear what He is trying to say through all the static and outside noises. The life of a single Mom doesn't present many times in the day where there is zero static so I learned I just have to listen harder and I can hear Him tell me what to say YES to.

A Little Boy's Heart and the Anger Lesson

My 9 year old son, Clayton, has always had problems controlling his anger. He never knows what’s going to make him angry and he doesn’t ever know why things make him angry; he says it just happens and that he has to just let it out. We’ve done a lot of different things to try and help prevent anger, control the anger, and redirect the anger. He sees a behavioral modification therapist who has worked with him for years on learning how to identify his emotions and react to them. He counts backwards and forwards, has his own breathing techniques, knows when to leave the room when he’s at a friend’s house and he’s had enough, and he’s always remorseful after he loses his cool. But, I really don’t want anger to control his life forever. I am always reading these blurbs or parenting advice columns and I’ve read the “Good and Angry” book but I honestly more often than not wind up losing my cool too when he starts screaming that he hates me, or that I don’t love him, or that his life is so unfair, or starts throwing things, or hits the wall, or threatens to kick the cat. One day, something clicked for us and I’ve been asked to share the experience.

On this particular Sunday afternoon, we were on about the 10^th angry episode of the day. He was angry because he had to do homework, angry that he had to read a book, angry that I made him hand over his iPod, angry that the cat got in his way. He threw a laundry basket because it was next to him, and it just kept going on and on. I was getting frustrated because he was just getting so angry for what I considered to be minor issues that are just a part of life. I remembered that I had read a Facebook picture recently that gave me an idea on how to illustrate to him how his anger affects him and those around. The story I borrowed called for a wooden fence, a hammer, and a supply of nails. We live in an apartment and don’t have a fence but we needed a piece of wood for the project. I decided to take it one step further and use something that I made for him out of love.

Back when he was a toddler, I made a growth chart for him out of a 1x6x12. I painted it a pale yellow, added the ruler measurements, painted the dates of his doctor appointment height measurements since birth, and added drawings of his favorite animals on it. Every once in a while, he stands against it and I mark his height with a sharpie or a paint brush. He loves that board and he loves that I made it for him and it’s always fun for us to look at it and see how much he’s grown since I made it.

I brought the board and my toolbox to the living room and laid the board on the floor, handed him the hammer, and opened the box of nails. I asked him to think about what was making him mad right then. He looked at me like I was insane and I just told him “It doesn’t matter what is making you mad. Just think about it and take a nail and pound it in with the hammer.” He did one nail. Then another and another and another. He started mumbling out loud what was making him angry. Pretty soon there were about 20 nails in the board. I saw that this was soon going to be a waste of the limited supply of nails so I suggested he needed to hammer them all the way in, not to just stop when it was stuck. At one point, he actually nailed the board INTO the floor and I heard him mumble “good thing I plan on being a pilot because I’ll never make it in anger management.” That was so funny to me and it made me realize how much kids hear about anger management but probably don’t even really realize what the concept entails.

He continued for about an hour. I sat with him for a while and listened to his mumblings then I decided to leave him to it and started doing other tasks, coming back occasionally. He said he was done at one point and I just told him “Ok, come back and do it every time you are angry.” He came back periodically throughout the afternoon and by dinnertime, there were about 50 nails in a two foot section on what was once that pretty board that I spent hours creating. I brought him into the living room and asked him if he wanted to know what the purpose was of the activity and he seemed open to it so we sat down on the floor in front of the board.

I rubbed my hand on the unblemished parts of the board and sighed. I told him that I remembered how it felt to paint it and make it pretty and cool and to remember each stage of his life that I marked on that board. Then, I told him “that’s what your heart was like when God made it…it was smooth and pretty and He put all of His love for you into your heart. See what happened to this board every time you had a mean or angry thought? You hammered a nail into it. It doesn’t look as pretty now does it?” He just looked a little sad and shook his head “no” and rubbed the part that was without nails. Then, I told him, “Every time you get angry and react in a mean way, it’s like you’re pounding a nail into your heart that God made for you. It probably makes Him just as sad to see the damage that your anger does to your heart as it does for me to see the damage that your anger did to my gift of love to you.”

His immediate response was to try and start taking a nail out. Originally, I had intended this to be an ongoing project but he seemed kind of engaged so I decided to keep the lesson going. But, I wanted him to learn another part to the lesson before he started taking the nails out.

I leaned the board up against the wall so that all of the nails were sticking out through side facing outwards. Keep in mind this board was only 1 inch thick and most of the nails were much longer than 1 inch. I instructed him to stand next to it. He looked at it warily and moved closer but not close enough to actually touch it. I told him to stand right next to it and to wrap his arms around it like he was going to hug it. Once again I got the “you’re insane, Mom” look and he refused. I then told him, “that’s how I feel when you get mad at me and yell and scream and when you tell me you hate me. And that is probably how your friends feel when you’re angry and taking it out on them or being mean to them. Your angry actions and words are like nails sticking out of your heart and no one wants to get close to you. The more nails you have sticking out of your heart, the less people want to be around you. Someday, you might not have anyone who wants to stand next to you and give you a hug.” That made him look really sad and then he was VERY intent on getting those nails out.

I gave him back his hammer and told him he could start pulling out the nails. He worked a while, started sweating, and then started getting frustrated. Many of those nails were crooked, bent over, and completely flush into the wood. He started digging through his toolbox and using pliers, screwdrivers, and other tools to try and pull those nails out. At one point, he looked up at me and said, “It’s way harder to get these nails out than it was to pound them in when I was mad. What does that mean?” I just looked at him and asked him what HE thought it meant. He thought about it while he worked and said that he thought it meant that it was a lot harder to take away the things you do when you’re angry than it is to do the things you do when you’re angry. I was like “SCORE, he gets it!” I told him that he was very right and he said he was sorry he did that to the board I had made for him and that he was sorry for being angry all the time and that it made him sad to think about his heart that God made being full of nails. I told him about God and forgiveness and that it’s important to really be sorry and that God would forgive him but that it means more than just being sorry afterwards. We talked about thinking before hammering if something is really important enough to be angry about and that he would need to come up with better ways to get his angry out. I asked him if he knew what he could do when he does get angry. He said “I could ask God to help me not get mad and if I mess up then I should ask Him to forgive me and really mean it.” I asked him if he had any tools to help him figure out how to get the nails out of heart and he responded “the Bible? I bet each chapter could be like a different tool. I’m just not sure how to read them and use them.” We talked about learning how to use the bible together to find the answers because we are both pretty new at this and he agreed to try it. Another “SCORE!”

He spent a couple of hours getting those nails out and making a pile of broken and bent nails. He made a big production to of throwing them all away. After throwing them away, he got sad all over again when he saw all of the holes that were still in his board. Another part of the lesson was talking to him about how he cannot ever fix those holes. They are going to be there forever. No matter how hard he worked to pull out all of those nails, the remnants of his anger will always be there. We talked about how all of his anger episodes are always going to be a part of his past and his history but it’s up to him to stop hammering the nails in.

Throughout this past week, I’ve reminded him about the nails. I pray that this is a lesson we can continue to use in our life. I don’t want him to grow up to be an angry man. I don’t want him to grow up to be a man with a callused heart who causes pain to others. I want him to grow up with a healthy and happy heart and appreciate the beautiful heart that God gave him. Hopefully, together we can learn about the tools that God gives us and keep the rest of his life and his heart from being damaged by the pain that uncontrollable anger brings.

~Julianna Bullard

February 2, 2013

Honor thy mother...today and every day

Mother’s Day is a totally bittersweet day for me. I love being a mother and I love the sweet things my boy does for me to show me I’m special to him. But I no longer have the opportunity to tell the woman who is my mother how much I love her, respect her, and honor her. The week leading up to Mother’s Day Sunday has been a difficult week for me these past five years (how is it possible that this is the 5^th year I’ve had to take a bouquet of daisies to the cemetery?). I hear friends talking about “having” to go shopping for mother’s day gifts.  Don’t they know how unbelievably lucky they are to have a mom they can call to chat with, meet for lunch, and whine about? I’d give a lot to have the chance to hear my mom say “love you sweetie” or to be best friends with her as an adult.  Maybe I’m jealous of the people who still have their moms in their lives. Maybe I’m just sad or mad and think it’s not fair.

Regardless of how I feel today about my mom not being with us anymore, I know I’m unbelievably blessed to have learned how to be a mom from one of the best. She was kind, generous, thoughtful, compassionate, forgiving, and honorable. She knew when she needed to be strict and when she could let us break a rule. I learned from her how to recognize that as a parent, sometimes you pick your battles and you have to decide which battles are worth winning. She knew how to make us respect her and how to make us realize that the worst punishment in the world was seeing disappointment on her face. I might be 35 years old now, but I sometimes still think to myself “Oh man what would mom think?” I learned from her how to sit down and talk to my own child instead of always just saying “Because I said so.” I learned from her how to talk to my child so that he understands and respects my authority (most of the time anyway lol). She knew which times needed “Just wait until your father gets home and I tell him what you’ve done” and which times needed “Just don’t tell your father.” She knew we knew she hid the chocolate and she knew eventually we’d find her hiding spot and she’d have to find another one. I learned from her that the best hiding spots are NEVER in the kitchen!

Today, I’m so amazed at how she managed to be the mom to each of us that we each needed her to be. I’ll never know how she did it with five of us! I was only blessed with one child and for those who have known me long enough, they know what a miracle and blessing he was to finally come along after too much heartache. I love him…I absolutely love him with every piece of my being. He is the best part of me and I live for the moments when I can see on his face that I’m doing a good job raising him. There have been so many moments since he came into my life that I truly think to myself in utter amazement that “WOW I’m a mom to this amazing little person” and I worry that I’m doing it right. I can’t imagine the stress she went through wondering about how she was doing raising five children!

I’ll never forget this one day when he was about ten months old and he was sick..so sick…had been throwing up for days. We’d been to the ER several times already over a three day period. I had cleaned up so many messes, had used a medicine dropper for hours to get Pedialyte down his throat, and was so tired and I felt that lurching across my arms as I held him, just praying that those few ounces of liquid weren’t coming back up again. I remember calling my mom and crying “I just figured it out…I’m really a mom…this isn’t babysitting” and she wanted to know how I figured that one out. I just laughed and cried and said “because I let him puke in my hand so I wouldn’t have to clean it up again.” She laughed so hard I thought she was crying on the other end of the phone. It’s crazy how that one absolutely disgusting moment in a terrifying week of parenthood sticks out to me so vividly.

As my child gets older and more mature, I relish the moments that make me so proud to be his mom: the sound of his laughter, his hard work and dedication to the things he loves to do, and the things he says! Sometimes he says the most profound things…things you’d never expect a 9 year old to be aware of or to acknowledge.  One of those proud mama moments came a few weeks ago while sitting in the waiting room listening to him during trumpet lessons. He was making the most awful screeching sounds and it was the same sound over and over and over again. Just when I started thinking “what were we thinking, trumpet lessons?!” I heard a note that sounded like a real note and then I heard him say “YES THERE IT IS!” I know I had a huge smile on my face because I could hear how hard he was trying and trying and then the sense of accomplishment in his voice. I see the smile on his face when he’s standing on stage getting scout awards and he immediately looks to me in the crowd and smiles. I watch him at karate and see how dedicated and hard he works to get a new skill and I love the look on his face when he sees me get there early enough to watch him. I love that he still wants to race me to see who can say ‘good night sleep tight don’t let the bedbugs bite’ every night at bedtime the fastest. I love that we have great conversation and that he tells me about his day every afternoon.

Loving my child is the best gift I can imagine on Mother’s Day. And I know that by loving him and helping him grow into an amazing young man,  I honor my own mother. I hope I’m at least half the mom she was and always will be in my heart.

YAY for two weeks down!

 Dieting sucks!!! I never realized that it's not just changing what you eat. It's changing when you eat, where you eat, what you shop for, who you eat with, and most importantly WHY you eat.

After two weeks working with Jenny Craig, I've learned that planning my week of meals is so much easier than I thought! My program allows me to order my meals and snacks so this makes grocery shopping easier...buy the fruits and veggies and skip the rest of the aisles. Even Clayton is benefitting because the freezer doesn't have room for frozen kids meals what with all of my frozen Jenny meals. While I'm cooking my Jenny meals, I've been taking the time to actually cook him meals every night. We've both realized we love raw spinach, raw okra, and kale. He's figured out that sweet potato fries are yummier than potato fries. We've eaten out at a restaraunt ONE time in the past 3 weeks...which for all of you that know us, that's amazing! He's had a McDonald's happy meal one time and chose apples over french fries.

I've realized that it does kind of suck to watch coworkers go out to eat every day for lunch. I miss Fuji!!! I've realized that my friends still love me when I say I don't want to go out to eat for dinner and that they love me enough to say OK when I asked if we could eat out somewhere that I could get a good side salad when we went out that one time for a friend's birthday. Of course, watching them drink grown up drinks was NOT fun but I realized that it's all okay lol!

On the bright side, I've realized that I FEEL so much better after just this short period of time of changing our food habits. I feel kind of like I did when I quit smoking. It's hard and it totally sucks sometimes doing without my favorite restaraunts, Tostitos and salsa, and ice cream. But then I realize that I took my kid to the park and actually got on the swings with him instead of sitting on the park bench. I can't wait to see how happy he is when I go on hikes with him.

In the mean time, I realize it's a small dent and it's only the beginning and I had a few stumbles. I went for two weeks without cheating and then wound up eating a slice of pizza the other night when I was taking care of a friend's kiddos. After I realized it totally made me sick to my stomach, I was happy to know that my lifestyle change was working. But my first week, I lost 9.8 pounds! I know my second weigh in tomorrow will not be any where near that!

YAY for two weeks down :)

My first blog attempt! Why I've chosen this newest road in my life.

Today started a new journey that I've been putting off for a while because of the daunting nature of this challenge. I started a Jenny Craig diet and I've made a commitment to myself that I'm going to succeed and I'm going to use the tools I've been given (actually they weren't all free, they cost a lot of money!). I wanted to put down in words why I've finally decided to start this journey so that when I'm frustrated or feeling like I'm floundering, I can look back and read this and remind myself.

I've slowly been gaining weight for about 5 years now, packing on the pounds, eating in bed, eating in the car, large sizing it every where, eating out everywhere and every day. I have tons of excuses. I'm bored. I like food too much to give it up. I'm too busy to cook dinner so let's go through a drive through. I don't want to wake up any earlier than I already do, so let's grab Starbucks or Shipleys on the way to work and school. Eating healthy and organic is too expensive. I went through a very depressed phase after a failed marriage, the death of my mom, struggling financially, going on bad first dates, being disappointed after another guy turned out not to be what I was looking for. And since I hardly ever date, I never get to the point where I'm interested in sex so if no one is going to look at it, who cares what it looks like. Eating out for lunch is so much better than eating at my desk because I get out of the office and socialize and that's healthy right?

However, I've started realizing things about myself that horrified me! I yoyo'd on fad diets...HCG, fat blockers, nutritional supplements, you name it and I probably tried it for about a month. Just long enough to lose 10 pounds and then I'd celebrate. Last month, I started a new diet with 3 different kinds of supplements to detox, metabolize, and suppress my appetite. When I read the line "do not take with antidepressants," I decided to just stop my antidepressants. Needless, to say I was a complete witch to be around and I spent way too much time in the bathroom "detoxing."

A week into the diet, I wound up driving myself to the ER with my 8 year old son in tow because I felt like I was having a heart attack. Not one of those "ohh I feel weird hope everything's okay" kind of weird...but the "oh crap I can't breathe and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest" kind of really weird. Turns out I reacted badly to the supplements but luckily I have a healthy heart. Blood work and all of the other tests revealed that my thyroid levels were 8.8 when normal is between .3-3 and all of my cholesterol levels were completely off the charts. As I was sitting there in the ER bed, waiting for a friend to come get Clayton from me, I had this horrible image in my head that I was going to die and have a heart attack or a stroke in front my baby and he'd have to be the one to call 911.

Two weekends ago, I went shopping, trying to find some summer things to wear to baseball games, tanks, shorts, capris, etc. In case you don't know, not many places sell cute clothes for girls over size 16 so I've had to start shopping at Lane Bryant. I was in the dressing room, trying on clothes and this thought actually went through my head "Well the 18 is fits perfect but if I buy the 20 I can grow into it." And I was like WTH did I just say?! What grown woman grows into her clothes?

Anyway lots of events have transpired recently that have illustrated to me the need to make a change. Some are funny, some not so much. It was definitely not fun being out of breath walking on a hike at scout camp. Feeling the mattress sag when I lay down. Seeing the fold of fat on my knee cap when I tried on shorts. Seeing clothes in my closet that I love and haven't been able to wear in years.

I have to say my moment of inspiration came from my friend who has been doing Jenny Craig since February. She kept turning me down for lunch dates and our weekly dinners out with the kids for pizza buffet. I saw how much weight she was losing and how motivated she was and how she actually got to eat...good food.So maybe now we can have dinner nights in, where the kids eat a pizza and we share our Jenny meals.

I'm listing my immediate goals now, so I can check them off one by one:

1. Make it through Day One without cheating. (check)
2. Save my lunch money every day that I would normally spend eating out to buy my Jenny food next week.
3. Wear a real size 16 (not the Lane Bryant make ya better about yourself 16 that's really like a 20).
4. Use the support of my friends on my Facebook group, the Road to Skinny, and support them all too.

Long term goals:
1. Weigh 150 pounds.
2. Stop shopping at Lane Bryant
3. Be able to sit (comfortably) in a seat at the ball games and theatres.
4. Be able to cross my legs without holding it in place
5. Be confident in my ability to do this.

I haven't decided if I'll share this or not. My blog is NOT going to be focused on my weight loss goals. It's going to be about ALL of the roads I choose to travel on, the detours I take, the wrong turns, the beautiful scenery I find along the way, my travel companions, etc.

~Julianna