Food is definitely not the only thing that tempts me to
destroy my well-being. I don’t even believe that it is the MOST or even WORST
tempting craving. I never even really look to food for comfort…it’s usually
boredom that makes me grab a box of Girl Scout cookies, a package of microwave
popcorn, a bowl of chips, or anything else that is available.
I have done so much thinking and praying about what my
battles are over the past year. My biggest battle is not feeling emotionally
accepted and I’ve come to realize that I think it has always been my battle…since
the youngest years I can remember. I remember wanting to fit in so badly in the
small group of girls that comprised my elementary school grade. I never fit in…or
at least not with the people I thought that I was supposed to fit in with. I
was always just a little too nerdy, a little too over-protected, a little too naïve
to be “cool” enough. High school was even worse because my family moved to a
new state and I went from an all-girls school to a public high school that was
10x bigger than anything I’d ever experienced. The new school was huge and
everyone had known each forever and I didn’t fit into any of the groups or the
cliques. I learned quickly how to do just about anything (thankfully I was
strong enough to stay away from drugs and promiscuity!) to fit in, join the
crowd, and to “make” people like me.
After high school, I thought I could find acceptance with a
guy. I went from one guy to the next, jumping in head over heels way too
quickly. I thought that being physical with them would get them to “like” me
more. I even married the first guy that I thought “liked” me enough after very
little time and before knowing him or his family well enough to make a good
decision. Unfortunately, I never found acceptance with him either. He started
cheating on me with co-workers and other women only 9 months into our marriage.
Then, I just thought if I was skinnier, sexier, more of a partier, more fun,
less “wifely” maybe he’d accept me more. Of course, it didn’t work. He talked
down to me constantly. He berated me, threatened me, and ridiculed me on a
constant basis. He had me convinced that no one would ever want me besides him,
that I could never make it or afford to live without him. He had me convinced
of that for 10 VERY long years before one day I just couldn’t take it anymore
and told him so.
Over the past several years, my biggest crutch or raging
craving in my never-ending battle of looking for acceptance has played out on
social media. Facebook was my best friend. I was THAT person who posted
everything, anything, every picture, etc. I’d check it 100 times day to see who
“liked” my pictures, “liked” my statuses, or commented on my life. I thought
that the more comments and likes I had, the more that people would accept me. I
was slowly driving myself into a very confusing battle that I was never going
to win.
Through all of this, I knew who God was. But I didn’t know
who God was to ME. I actually was raised in a very strict Catholic home but
never ever heard that I could have a relationship with God. About two years
ago, some very patient friends helped me figure out what it means to have a
relationship with God. I am accepted. God only wants me. This year, our pastor encouraged us to not
make resolutions but instead to think
about the destination we want for our lives and the navigation we want to use
to get us there. I declared that I want
my destination to be a bigger purpose. I can’t find God’s purpose for me unless
I get rid of all of the road blocks and the detours that prevent me from
hearing God’s plan for me.
My first step was to work on accepting that GOD ACCEPTS ME
and that it doesn’t matter who else does. I don’t have to please anyone but
God. And if I’m pleasing Him, then chances are that the people He puts in my
path are going to be pleased with what I am doing also. So, I took Facebook out
of my daily routine and off of my radar map. I deleted the app off of my phone
so that I can’t check it constantly. I can only use to check on things
occasionally from my home computer. I promised and journalled that I would make
a better effort at making sure my account was not used as my contact for people
and that I’d share with them in person.
So far, it’s working. I keep finding
new signs from friends (the people that God has place in my path to encourage
me on my journey in my relationship with Him) that I am accepted by God, that
He is happy with me, that He loves me. It’s a truly awesome feeling to discover
this! I feel so much freer J
